TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Reactionary Governor Ron DeSantis has signed a controversial law limiting all use of public school television carts to airing DW Griffith’s 1915 silent film “Birth of a Nation,” the governor’s office proudly said.

“We Floridians are ready to push back the revival, and it’s starting in the schools; kids will love the traditional American values ​​on display in ‘Birth of a Nation,'” said DeSantis, who is reportedly drafting laws to replace any trace of critical race theory in schools with introductions to race. phrenology and eugenics. “And I believe kids will find the action exhilarating in a way that no walkie-talkie could ever hope to achieve. It’s always been a favorite of mine. In fact, my Top 4 on Letterboxd is ‘Triumph of the Will”, “Loqueesha” and “Left Behind” with Kirk Cameron.

Some Florida parents have applauded DeSantis’ efforts to bring “woke” progressive ideologies out of the public sphere.

“Thank God and praise Jesus for DeSantis – without him I should start parenting and watching what my kids are doing instead of just leaving it up to the state,” admitted Geena Comers, local mother and alligator wrestler. “To be completely frank, I’m not sure ‘Birth of a Nation’ will hold the attention of kids in the era of ‘Fortnite’ and Snapchat, but maybe my kids will have a little more sleep before learning that God created the world in six days in science class.

Prominent film thinkers have lambasted DeSantis’ ill-advised choice of educational film content.

“Not only is ‘Birth of a Nation’ racist garbage, but it’s also an agonizing chore to go through,” explained Dr. Reggie Thayers, a film professor at the University of Miami. “It has some importance in the history of cinema, but very little value as entertainment today. It’s yet more evidence of the Conservatives’ inability to make good art. The shitty paintings of George W. Bush, the deafening music of Kid Rock and everything Kevin Sorbo has done reinforces the amateurish and ineffectual lore, and don’t even get me started on the Michale Graves era of Misfits.

Camp DeSantis plans to expand the law by limiting music at all school dance functions to only unaccompanied basslines by former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.